When I started to discover the ingenuity that I possess in myself through the lenses of a camera, I have always seen myself as a film director in the future. Making, producing, and directing films became a part of me already and with every craft I make, I always feel like something in me comes along and belong with it.
When I was deployed at the University Relations Office, the official media arm of the University of the East for our immersion, we were assigned to produce a film that would promote and advertise the senior high school in a more holistic view throughout the course of our deployment. Blithe, eagerness, and exhilaration lingered upon me and my workmates since we would have the opportunity to vent out our creativity through something that we really have fond doing.
When I was informed regarding the output we will make, the thought “Maybe film is really for me” came flashing right into my mind. Since I was not really deployed in that office and was only pulled out from my original department because the supervisor and my adviser knew I have knack in media and film-making. I was astonished, to be honest. I never knew that people saw me the way I perceive and aim myself to be in the future. I thought I was just obscuring my creativity, inventiveness, and artistry through the films I make; I never knew people would relish the expressions I convey through pictures in motions that I establish.
While we were planning the production and execution of our film, I thought everything would be better since I would have people to help me deliberately and effectively, since we mostly have the same end and interests in mind. I thought everything’s going to be smooth sailing because this time, the knowledge that I concur on myself before could be expressed by other individuals who are genuinely great as well. However—the thought of the process being facile and tranquil were all just confined to my thoughts when the actual production already occurred.
The feeling of relentless stress and weariness were already inevitable, but what I felt whilst making the film was much of more of being tired, I think. I got used to working all by myself before. I taught myself to consult my disposition only and all the creative work should come from my own scheme and proposition since I haven’t really worked with such people who share the same fondness that I have. I came to the point that I don’t know how I would communicate and obscure my ingenuity to people who are as passionate and creative as I am. Throughout the course of our production, I have always felt confined and constrained because the thought of “Maybe I’m really not enough” was always immediate to my mind every time we have to come up with an unconventional and innovative plan.
I have so much ideas and plans on my own, really. And I know that those propositions would be much better with the alleviation of my workmates. However, even before I would start to obscure my thoughts, the same narratives of hesitation would come right into my mind because I have always seen them better than me when it comes to the craft we are working on and my ingenuity is nothing compared to theirs; which is very unusual for me since I always try and do my best to be the more proficient and bigger person for the betterment and success of everybody I am working with. I have always taught myself to make a lead, and now I don’t know how I would function if every body is taking the platform and no one is actually being lead on inside the team.
After the production of our film, the output was outstanding and great, according to our supervisors and coordinators. But behind the success that we have garnered and acquired, various realizations lingered upon my stance. Discernment that I have procured through the constant thought of not being enough while venting out my constrained ingenuity through our output.
I have perceived that film is strenuous especially if you made it with only a single man’s work. However, realizing that you have to communicate and obscure yourself to the people around you for the success and accomplishment of your craft is much more arduous to be fully aware of. I confined myself in working alone and with my own judgement for a very long time that’s why extending my knowledge to other people who share the same dexterity as I am is not untroubled for me.
Realizing notions such as these during the ending of our deployment is not the end for sure. I’m actually in relief that I felt this confinement at an early stage because I am foreseeing myself breaking down into little pieces if ever these apprehensions came in the scene in the future, when I’m already in the professional field working with actual professional people. Even if the hunch that lingered through my thoughts weren’t really affirmative throughout the course of our deployment, I know that this would be a start of something effective and favorable for me in the future. A change that would involve not only myself, but also how I see my inventiveness connect with the people I need and love to work with—because at the end of day, my eagerness, passion, and dream to pursue film-making will always be bigger than any other hesitations, cynicism, and despondency that will evince in my thoughts.